Friday, 8 June 2018

Customs Means Cock-Up

It's been some time since I revved up the blog and the crystal ball, so here's a farce from the future...

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June 7th, 2058...

Prime Minister Theresa May, aged 101 3/4, has been in office for 42 years. The Tories promised to get rid of her after the 2017 general election, but only after she had implemented Brexit. Well, she's still at it, so her MPs concede that she's safe.

During a press conference at Downing Street, the Prime Minister announces her latest customs proposal. In her pocket, Mrs May holds a tattered old piece of card. She brings it out to show the waiting journalists, known as Murdoctors since Sky bought the news in 2040. It is a telegram from King William V, of the sort the monarch sends senior citizens on their 100th birthday. Given that the population is around 80 million and life expectancy has risen to 95, the king doesn't have time to do much other than sign telegrams these days. Mrs May kept hers. She kept it for its sentimental value, but in recent weeks she has found that it is just the right size to accommodate all the ideas she still has.

"Customs means customs. I'm clear that it is this government's expectation that a comprehensive customs partnership should be concluded with the EU24 by December 2061. Nothing has changed."

A hamster wheel rolls through the door behind the PM. The Murdoctors are momentarily distracted, but lose interest as soon as they realise that it is not a hamster wheel; it is merely the electrolytically animated head of the Brexit Secretary, David Davis. He died 15 years ago but insisted on keeping his job because he was the most lively Cabinet minister left. He doesn't say much, and all sides are agreed that he has produced some of his best work yet. Every so often, the electrolyte sparks, causing Davis's lips to lift at the edges in that mildly constipated smile he popularised in his pomp.


The not-too-distant past...

The UK officially left the EU in March 2019 and entered a transition period lasting until December 2020, when everything stayed the same except we had no say. This was followed by the backstop lasting until December 2021, when everything stayed the same except we had no say. This was followed by the backstop transition lasting until December 2024, when everything stayed the same except we had no say. This was followed by a backstop backstop lasting until June 2027, when everything stayed the same except we had no say. The following implementation backstop partnership, when everything stayed the same except we had no say, was negotiated to last until the 2029 EU Parliament election, but everyone forgot about it when Michel Barnier got bored. Nobody quite knows when that was, but some historians contend that it was when the government of Saudi Arabia offered him a permanent role negotiating a trade deal with Hezbollah. He figured he had a better chance with them and promptly moved into a flatshare with a Shi'ite drag queen in Beirut. That was in June 2028, 12 years after the referendum.

Germany quit the EU when Tony Blair became the Commission President. President Blair announced that God told him Norway was harbouring herrings of mass destruction and that he should invade, which was the final straw for the pacifist Germans They were followed out the door by Greece and Italy who figured they didn't have anyone to pay any more.

Before the beginning of each new phase of quasi-membership, the Prime Minister expressed her grand vision for an expectation that the broad outline of a deep and comprehensive partnership with EU partners in the EU should be roughly known by the end of the next "implementation period". And the lapse of each new "implementation period" was met by the confident assertion that "nothing has changed". Thus, for the last 30 years, the UK has been in stasis as a satellite state of the EU, quietly fulfilling all the obligations just like it did before, except we have no say.


Now, Mrs May is sure that this time will be different...

The Murdoctors have a question. It is a good question about the progress of talks with the Commission. "Prime Minister, how do you think your latest proposals will square with the EU's rules on preserving the single market?"

The Murdoctors nod in approval of their question. It certainly is a good question. But it is not an unexpected question. It seems entirely in keeping with the theme of this Brexit briefing that the PM should be asked a question about Brexit. But Mrs May is entirely stunned, as though she had just been caught ambling leisurely through a field of wheat. She has no idea why anybody would ask such a question. Anyway, her mind is not as sharp as it once was, and her usually formidable decisiveness has been replaced by a kind of optimistic dithering.

"Brexit means Brexit" seems too absolutist an answer. Nevertheless, she knows it is her duty to deliver the will of the people. She responds: "This government is delivering a 50 shades of beige Brexit, and we're going to deliver Brexit, which we are delivering."

She doesn't quite remember what it used to be like, but she is as sure as she can be about one thing: "Nothing has changed."

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By:
The Imperial Orange,
8th June 2018

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